Post 14: All I Am

I was told by one of my teachers in high school that studies show the attention span of the average adult to be about seven minutes. I do not think I am an exception to this rule especially where writings blogs are concerned. I am not bored with telling people about my life, but I just do not like writing about it. I like too much to attempt to personalize details and stories and tangents to my audience. My audience is too wide to do that easily. I have thought about what I want to spend the next seven (to fifteen) minutes talking about: my identity.

How can I cover my identity in fifteen minutes? Well, I better not waste any time.

Today was a completely free day. I did not have to go to school. I did not have to pack by backpack and head off for an English camp or travel anywhere. I literally got to just stay home. That should be liberating, right? Well, it was definitely nice to not wake up to an alarm clock, but I must say that it was also a little…jarring.

I finally Skyped with one of my friends from back home, and she remarked that I was an English teacher. Well, of course I am an English teacher. Okay, technically, I am an English Teaching Assistant. Close enough. Now, what did she mean? I shall tell you.

Being an ETA in Malaysia, I don’t have much of an identity outside of my job at school. Although this is not the case for many or most ETAs, it has become apparent to me that I am an ETA in Malaysia and that is about it. Every weekend, more or less, I am at an English camp. That is English teaching work. Throughout the week, I go to school at the beginning of each school day and often stay until the end of the day. Sounds like English teaching, does it not? When students are not fasting, I usually have some after-school activity with them to boost their English skills and to keep me from having idle hands. More English teaching. In the evenings, I am occasionally invited to share a meal with my students. I comply because I love spending time with my students and also feel like I need to give them as many opportunities in this ten month period to practice their English. After all, I often find that my students learn more from me outside of the classroom than in it. Those meals out are just more English teaching.

My friend also asked how learning Malay was going. I honestly had to tell her that it was not really going anywhere. Though I pick up the occasional word here and there, I did not dedicate the time and effort that I thought I would. Though it is exciting and interesting to pick up a new language and also relieves some of the frustration of not knowing what is happening around oneself, in a small town where I have no anonymity, I ran into a problem. I must have come to the conclusion subconsciously because I needed this aforementioned friend to draw it to my attention. However, going out into the community and trying to intentionally and awkwardly carry on conversations in Malay is not really possible.

Most of my students are very shy. Some, I admit, are also a bit lazy. They do not like to try and do not like to embarrass themselves by speaking English. I mean, I understand. No one likes to be embarrassed. Many of my students would not make the effort to speak English to me if they thought I understood Malay or found out I was trying to learn Malay. They far prefer to teach me Malay than the other way around. Thus, while living in a town where everything and anything gets around (Malays are really excellent gossips as a general rule), speaking Malay is not really an option. So how am I supposed to learn the language? I can’t. Not in any authentic and regular fashion. In other words, because I am dedicated to teaching English, I have given up on one of my aspirations while being in Malaysia.

This sort of sounds like I am bragging about how dedicated I am to teaching English. That is not my intention at all. Honestly, I was rather shocked today to realize that I don’t do anything else besides teach English or do things that have to do with English teaching. Yes, I travel on some weekends to hang out with other ETAs. We talk about teaching and our students though since they encompass such a large portion of our lives. Then those other weekends, again, are English camps.

Is it wrong to be so devoted to teaching English? I mean, you may as well give it your all since you only have ten months. However, I am starting to have to think a little more seriously about my future after my grant here is up. What do I do next? I don’t know. Teaching seems like a good option, but oh what a different teaching experience that will certainly be. Can I do that? Can I go back to having a life outside of being a teacher? I think I should. I think that would be healthy. I need to go back to having a social life outside of school.

Since being in Malaysia, I started to make this mental list of all the things that I want to do when I return home. Most of them are the extra stuff – the less logistical parts of life. I know that I will need a job to pay off my student loans and that I want to go back to graduate school and continue my studies in…something. However, Malaysia has definitely shown me that there is more to life and that moments and opportunities need to be seized if they are available. When you are not a teacher, you are not supposed to use those vacant moments just to hang around and get on the internet. Do something!

Just in case you are curious, here are some of the random (and possibly unrealistic) aspirations I have for when I come home. I really do hope that I do some of them:

- learn a musical instrument (too many people have told me that I look like I play oboe; perhaps I should try it)

- take art classes (cash in on an I-owe-you-a-quilting-class gift and maybe feel some clay between my fingers again)
- travel to see all the friends and family I have missed and love so dearly
- train for and do a triathalon

- volunteer

- help with my dad’s ministry (I have made excuses for FAR too long and have known it deep down)

- study a foreign language

- dance (maybe I will take dance lessons or try those ballet exercise classes or just show up at a swing club, but I want to feel a rhythm and have a dancing partner again since that is actually allowed in the United States. Holding hands is not scandalous.)

- practice my cooking skills (I like being domestic in some fashions, and when I have all cooking equipment I am familiar with at my disposal, I want to use it to the fullest!)

And that’s my fifteen minutes! Have any more ideas about what I should do with my life or where I should do it? Feel free. Being an ETA in Malaysia has made me realize that my formative years are not over yet. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Do you?